What If Letting Go Is How We Win Ourselves Back?
(Observing the clouds the other day constantly releasing their shapes on the go)
You know that somewhat puzzling feeling when you suddenly realize that something you thought would preoccupy you forever—from perpetually chewing gum or obsessing over a dream house, to that breakup that took you to your knees—has somehow lost its grip?
The other day, I surprised myself by noticing that I was no longer constantly worrying about my age, which had been a proverbial elephant in many chambers of my mind throughout the past years.
Those perpetual thoughts I was chewing around on relentlessly, blowing said elephant up to a colorful neon creature quite literally blocking my own way, seemed to have paled.
Too old to restart how to work, to wear that cropped sweater, to not be in a relationship nor specifically search for one, to not have kids. Too old to be driving a 20-year-old mildly battered car in flashy blue metallic in a sea of black, “respectable” company cars in my area, or to live for rent and own next to no furniture, as I prefer empty space.
It was surprising because I had not specifically noticed the process, as if what had been accompanying me in such a demanding manner had slowly been fading away.
Of course, there is a disclaimer: It does come back—ironically, especially as I’ve taken note of the absence of constant related chatter. Yet, it’s not as prominently seamless as it had been, as I don’t scratch at the wound as soon as it’s trying to heal.
Too old compared to whom? On whose timeline? On external agendas that don't apply to me? These are the questions that now short-circuit the old loop.
It put an encouraging spin on the superficially negative connotation of endings as not just an inevitable necessary evil, but an unappreciated premonition for renewal and expansion.
Why Clinging Keeps Us Stuck
The Buddha famously stated that "The root of suffering is attachment," which seems the receipt we dedicatedly follow when worrying about losing what we have or not getting what we want.
What if this is how we create all those blockages we stumble upon when hustling through our days? What if that’s akin to resisting the natural flow of life?
What if that’s the reason releasing an inner dialogue—like, "I'm not enough," or "I'm not lovable"—can feel so (en-) lightening? What if clinging that way is precisely what keeps life from its natural state of consistent change, propelled along by ongoing endings and renewal?
We relax our life to the degree we’re willing to release, lightening our load by what we allow to pass through.
It's how we make space for the next chapter, releasing one that has lived its purpose. It’s how we evolve by letting go of what we were insistent about just a moment ago, yesterday, or even throughout years of conditioned life.
Resistance creates this rattlingly exhausting energy, as if we are standing on the brakes while hitting the gas.
It's like being trapped in a limbo, pushing us out of the only field of action we can actually influence: where we currently are.
Regarding creative projects, I’ve dreaded finishing them more times than I can count. It naturally leaves a gap that can feel wildly uncomfortable at first. It’s this classic “dread of the blank canvas,” accompanying every process we are faced with, be it professionally or regarding life in general.
It’s that fundamental human fear of the unknown that keeps us clinging to what’s familiar. It's that fear of empty space, whether physical, mental, or emotional. That discomfort drives us to stay relentlessly busy to keep us from facing a void that can’t be filled permanently with external attempts to do so.
When I’ve stalled in a creative process, my artist dad once told me to “Relax and throw away the rubbish and keep going.” While I perceived the comment as somewhat simplified for the complex knot I felt in my gut, it's turned out time and again that he had a point derived from his life-long explorations of daily practice.
It’s like compost from fallen leaves eventually nourishing the soil for spring blooms when we let whatever drops go as part of the cycle of creative renewal.
It’s the attitude that snaps me back into the joyful mode of a life scout over the frantic insistence of achieving an over-specified goal. It takes me back to viewing practice as a field of exploration, where the drop-out-rate is counted as a natural means of advancing the plot.
Scientific research strongly supports that the constant cycle of release and renewal is essential for our survival.
At the cellular level, this is exemplified by programmed cell death, or apoptosis. Every day, billions of our cells undergo this carefully orchestrated process, making room for new, healthy cells, while an accumulation is a sign of disease and dysfunction.
The act of breathing illustrates the flat-out necessity of letting go well. With each exhale, we're literally letting go of carbon dioxide—waste our body no longer needs. This process is crucial for maintaining the delicate balance of gases in our bloodstream, mirroring the larger cycle of balancing intake with release.
How Letting Go Fuels Everything Else
As living beings, we are constantly evolving. We’re not fixed identities, as much as we at times want to land on a concluding version to promote to the world as much as to ourselves.
It can feel tiring to realize there is no point of solid arrival, yet it feels more tiring to not allow ourselves to change, as we naturally are wired to do so.
While the idea of ongoing transformation can feel intimidating, it would be pretty unsettling if we had exactly the same capacity to handle challenges as we did ten years ago. It’s an encouraging reminder that:
To evolve, we have to let go of the desire to stay the same.
Dr. Edith Eger, Holocaust survivor and psychologist, points out in The Gift that change is about interrupting the habits and patterns that no longer serve us. I like how this frames change as interrupting reflexive responses to life that keep us stuck in a loop, rather than an instant shift.
It’s a hopeful reminder that even if we don’t immediately see the work, as when skipping that daily crème-tart for dessert in an attempt to lose weight, change might be in the midst of making.
Similar to the crème tart, when learning to let emotional turmoil move through us instead of resisting it, we’re already on the challenging path of relieving ourselves from the grip of chronic anxiety, even if we’re not aware for quite a while.
Letting go, even when accumulating to a major game-changer, is a moment-to-moment practice that propels us along our path.
I learned a somewhat painful but powerful lesson about letting go when my father was in neurological rehabilitation after his coma. I put his Rolex watch on him that had been a valuable possession, especially as he had worn it all his life. While I was hoping it might jog his memory, it was unfortunately stolen not long after.
While i was cowardly sitting on it for a moment, wondering if the watch might have slipped his mind altogether, eventually, he noticed. And while he emphasized that it was a beautiful watch he loved wearing, he pragmatically pointed out that the simple replacement watch told time just as well.
The experience reflected a deeper realization of how a process might be revealing something very different from the need to “solve” the unsolvable issue: My dad did recognize himself through that watch; his creative nature has always been rather radically accepting - about working with things as they are—continuously letting go and making space for whatever he is open to explore next.
The Toughest Nut: Letting Go of What We Think We Know
Turns out, mentally letting go is the less obvious but often toughest nut to crack.
The renowned Zen monk and teacher Shunryu Suzuki said, “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.”
It’s an inspiring reminder to let ourselves be proven wrong. To embrace how much we don't know over insisting on knowing it all—exhausting ourselves as we fear to forget.
What if “forgetting” what we are “supposed” to know is us remembering to be truly present?
What if being fiercely attentive to where we are will expand our knowledge on the go, more than any memorized concept we struggle to keep in mind ever will?
The Ultimate Release: Letting Go of Our Self-Concept
Turns out, one of the hardest things to let go of is the idea we have of ourselves.
What if letting go of our self-concept is how we win our true self back though?
It resonated when I came across the lines of Haruki Murakami in City with Uncertain Walls when the main character was pondering that: “Maybe the person most puzzled about me was …me.”
A close friend once pointed out that I often put myself in a box by pre-defining who I am, instead of allowing others to experience me however they perceive me. I felt caught, as the sting in my chest pointed out, having gotten myself wildly invested in trying to protect myself from hurt of not being favorably viewed with disclaimers throughout the majority of my life.
It was an inspiring invitation to release the stress of constantly trying to monitor how I might be perceived. It’s what relieves us from locking ourselves into performative stories that eventually can hijack us when they force us to keep up appearances at the expense of our authenticity.
In that way, a friend recently shared how she feels trapped in an unhappy marriage as she is clinging to a social status she is not even sure she cares for anymore. And while she struggles to let go of the perks of her current lifestyle, she’s also contemplating the freedom she might be keeping herself from by sticking with a story that no longer works for her.
It can be a fine line to toe, winning ourselves back on the longer run requiring us to accept the pain of grief, and disillusionment. Yet, it’s that pain that seems the cure for a more unproductive pain cycle of living off our mark.
The detox pain of choosing a more authentic path is the pain required to truly break the cycle.
What if in that way non-attachment is indeed an impactful remedy to get back to flowing with our most natural currents rather than trying to adapt to an externally defined path colliding with our inner North?
Sometimes, I catch myself not wanting to finish a book because I don’t want to leave that world behind, worrying I won’t find that same enchantment in the next story.
But the life-affirming idea that “At times we have to let go of the good to get to the great” reminds me that going for the possible punch might have longer-term benefits than trying to keep the feared loss at bay.
Have you considered that life has greater plans in store for you, that you are blocking by keeping yourself confined to a pre-defined vision?
Are you keeping the greater equation from reaching you in your mental comfort zone of the known?
What if you allow yourself to hope for the unimaginable, as the inspiring Holocaust survivor Edith Eger captured so well in The Gift when stating that hope is the boldest act of imagination she knows?
Have you considered that what’s happening TO you is happening FOR you?
What if what feels like rejection is life setting you free?
What if what feels like betrayal from a person you expected illusory solidity from is you being released from co-dependency?
What if your heart shattering is life taking you apart to recalibrate your energy to match a higher vibration?
What if you trust the cosmic balance to have you in mind whenever you get out of your own way?
Trust life to be in your favor.
Give it the benefit of the doubt.
What do you have to lose?
Consider that blocking off the gain by resisting change out of fear, might be a loss your soul will be crushed by. (Michael Singer hinted at that dance in The Untethered Soul pointing out that: “The mind becomes a place the soul goes to hide from the heart.”)
On a more pragmatic note, letting go is scientifically supported to alleviate the mental burden of holding onto unnecessary emotional weight by removing distractions to create space for focus and clear thinking.
This fosters greater adaptability and flexibility by letting go of rigid perspectives, cultivating resilience and making it easier to embrace change, as releasing old ideas creates fertile ground for renewal, like with that compost cycle.
Our relationships vastly benefit from releasing old grievances or expectations.
We all know how arriving at an argument over-charged by dragging last week's unresolved argument with us, rarely adds up to a balanced conversation.
It’s why present-moment awareness unanchored from past or future can save our relationships as much as heighten the proverbial “lightness of being” in our life overall.
As we release what no longer serves us, we free up our full power for the present moment.
It’s how the energy we scatter about can be rerouted by pulling it back towards using it for what truly counts for us, letting our focus go where the energy flows as the wise saying declares.
Give it a Go to Practice to Release:
Regularly Declutter: Clearing out possessions you no longer need not only lightens your environment but also signals your mind that it’s safe to let go and make space for something new.
Consciously Transition: Before switching activities, take a moment to consciously let go of what you were just doing. Besides airing out a room, I like burning incense when wanting to “clear the slate” of going from doing taxes to doing something creative to literally change the air.
Journaling: Practice daily "letting go" journaling. Write about what you’re struggling to process. Using the act of writing daily has been a huge support for me to literally let the energy flow onto the paper to release what’s been stuck.
Lengthen Your Exhale: Many friends struggling with anxiety integrate simple breathing that lengthens the exhale, which is the most reliable way to calm your nervous system: Breathe in for a count of four, and then gently breathe out for a count of six or more.
Release Attachment to Specific Outcomes: Practice making the process the point, realizing we have limited control over most outcomes by reining back in your enjoyment by focusing on the preparation for a presentation rather than fixating on its reception.
Have you asked yourself?
What can you release today to make space for a new opportunity that seems blocked?
What are you scared of losing that you have? Why?
Are you fixed on wanting something you might not need? What’s the difference?
When has losing something made space for a win in your life?
What happens when you let go of an old idea of who you are?
Does it initially feel like loss? Does it feel relieving after a while?