Is Coming Home to Ourselves the Truest Home We'll Ever Know?
WALKING HOME TO MY PARENTS’ PLACE ON AN EVENING IN MUNICH
On the weekend, as countless little face-to-face chats with people from my neighbourhood just randomly happened, the topic of feeling disconnected surfaced repeatedly.
The irony wasn´t lost on any of us, that we have more means of connection than ever, yet:
Loneliness is an increasing challenge weaving itself into our “hyper-connected” world.
I have a friend in NY that will never enter a bar without making sure with a prior message exchange that the person she is meeting up with is there.
She claims that showing up by herself ranks highest up on her list of barely digestable feelings of abandonment and discomfort with herself, as if she were “homeless”.
It's hard to ignore, how many people with outwardly successful lives I know, that seem to lack a sense of belonging or inner "home".
It's a bewildering contrast to the severe and growing crisis of physical homelessness, where I've learned about surprising resilience and community from countless chats with people living on the streets, without wanting to diminish the severity of the issue.
The former U.S.Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, stated that the most common pathology he saw was not heart disease or diabetes, but loneliness:
“Indeed, disconnection has become a modern epidemic, making these moments of genuine interaction all the more valuable.”
The Modern Epidemic of Loneliness
A 2019 YouGov survey revealed that 30% of millennials say they always or often feel lonely, while 22% reported having no friends, highlighting a significant social isolation issue within this generation.
Studies in the UK, Canada, Australia, and Japan have also highlighted high levels of loneliness, particularly among younger generations. The British government has even appointed a minister for loneliness to address this as a public health concern.
In modern society, we tend to marginalize loneliness with measures that superficially seem a “solution”:
I felt this when spending time with my American grandmother in an elderly home during her last months. Upon entering I was always greeted with many hopefully expectant eyes of people that seemed to be starving for connection in a setup with an underlying vibe of abandonment, that felt deeply unsettling.
The Fleating Nature of our Existence
Challenging how permanent our home on earth can be, Shakespeare transpires through Macbeth's famous reflection: “Life is but a walking shadow” , implying that life is fleeting, like an actor who briefly appears on stage before disappearing.
I wonder if scattering our energy, relentlessly being distracted on the hunt for belonging and acceptance, results in this increase of disconnection from ourselves while simultaneously intensifying the loneliness.
It appears, this can be a recipe to live past a life we feel connected with, largely unnoticed - culminating in a feeling of brevity when we finally do take a look beyond our interactions rather functioning as surface distractions.
Encouragingly, Seneca reminds us with his essay "On the Shortness of Life" – “De Brevitate Vitae:” “Life, if well lived, is long enough."
Coming home to yourself
"Well-lived" is obviously different to all of us, yet there are countless studies on people approaching death that refer to being haunted by what they didn´t do rather than worrying about what they did, while regretting if they didn’t take or even get the chance to live in alignment with their truest desires.
Living well is about realizing what feels best for our unique manual. It´s about making a home for ourselves within ourselves.
Following the characters on their life on the road in “Nomadland”, defying socially conventional fears, reminded me of the proverb:
“The brave may not live forever, but the cautious don't live at all”.
And, as the main character declares, feeling home might not have anything to do with being settled, when stating: “I´m not homeless, I´m houseless”.
Living well is about living fully – being all in where we currently are. Engaging with the moment we are currently crossing paths with, recognizing that we won´t likely do so in that exact constellation again.
Living well is about embracing the fragile preciousness of all we get to live.
Joan Didion captured the sentiment of what it can mean to live well, highlighting that we treasure the life we are given-
“Not just to endure it, not just to suffer it, not just to pass through it, but to live in it. To look at it. To try to get the picture. To live recklessly. To take chances. To make your own work and take pride in it. To size the moment.”
Beyond the Traditional Setup of Home
Finding my own definition of “home” keeps me curious as I don´t have a socially normed life setup as classic family “of my own”, although I would challenge to what degree we do actually “own” anyone but ourselves.
Surprisingly, when unpacking the often physical feeling of abandonment I would describe as loneliness, it has often turned out that many times I stick out the discomfort a bit longer, there is a tipping point that feels like coming home to myself beyond the fear.
It reminds me of Sufi poet Hafiz encouraging words:
"Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly. Let it cut more deeply. Let it season you as few ingredients can."
Our way home often seems blocked by all the distractions we fill our life with. A courageously honest friend of mine stated the other day that her family definitely functions as a socially accepted means of distraction from actually looking at herself.
As the saying goes, “we take ourselves with us wherever we go”, which is a poignant and maybe even inspiringly hopeful reminder why ultimately we are not meant to escape ourselves.
When taking a Closer Look
What if our journey through life is one of getting to know ourselves? What if we are here to understand who we are and the potential we can bring to the greater whole by contributing our strongest talents?
What if coming home to ourselves is actually one of our most liberating exercises?
What if coming home is not about a location or a specific circle of people but a state of being—where we rest within ourselves as we move through the world?
Due to family spread across the globe and having lived in several countries, I’ve gradually grown to perceive home as more of an inner connection than a specific place on a map. “Feeling at home” seems largely rooted in relationships and experiences rather than geographical boundaries.
James Baldwin offers an inspiring perspective on what home might mean:
"Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition.”
This resonates deeply—as finding peace within amidst all the noise often feels like finding stability by being rooted within ourselves.
Being Redirected by Life
When we leave a place, situation, or relationship, it’s often more about leaving the person we were in those circumstances than what we leave behind.
Reframing rejection or the ending of a familiar situation can be encouraging when we feel rattled;
Many rejections in life might actually be life re-directing us closer to home.
What if in those moments life is not rejecting us, but knowingly pointing us home?
What if the contract that started to feel familiar is breaking up as we are on a threshold to get to know ourselves beyond what the circumstances reflected?
Every relationship or encounter reflects a piece of ourselves back to us, offering us the chance to answer life's questions more authentically as we align with feelings that resonate with who we truly are.
We find home gradually by exploring all aspects of ourselves through what we relate to and bring into awareness.
Hannah Arendt emphasized the experiences we have being essential to form an individual opinion. She stated:
"I do not believe that any process of thinking is possible without personal experience. All thinking is a re-thinking, a thinking-through of the matter."
Her words emphasize the impact of personal experience to find our own voice. Our personal point of view takes us beyond the motion of the crowd that, while providing comfort, also takes us further away from ourselves.
Give it a try:
Integrate some brief exercises into your day to support reconnecting with yourself:
Breathing Exercise: Connect with your inner rhythm through conscious breathing. Try vagus breathing: inhale for a count of 4, then exhale for 8. This helps regulate your nervous system when feeling out of sync.
Reflective Journaling: Each evening, briefly note 3 moments from your day when you felt most authentic. This practice reinforces self-awareness and helps you recognize patterns of genuine connection.
Solitude and Silence: Create space for inner stillness. Regularly step away from distractions to engage with silence. This environment allows your intuitive voice to surface above the noise of daily life.
Reflecting on what naturally drew us as children: It can point us toward our innate nature—before relentless conditioning took hold.
Coming home to ourselves is strongly supported by remembering who we were before we loaded on the stories.
Home as Constantly Adapting Shared Experience
While introspection is invaluable to inch closer to our personal interpretation of home, my definition of home has vastly expanded through being given shelter as a sense of temporary home many times in life.
I’ve spent Thanksgiving with diverse people inviting me to their table, some of which didn’t even know me, living the essence of the holiday more meaningful than an exclusive setup of only having “closest family” invited.
A few years ago, friends and I slept in the house of strangers in Sri Lanka when we got caught in the rain, interrupting our travels on New Year’s eve. They personified the notion of “arriving as a stranger and leaving as a friend.”
When I moved to NY, people I barely knew gave me the key to their house, so I could come in in the evening after they had gone to bed to use their internet connection, as wifi was not yet as effortlessly accessible as today.
There was the moment when I lived on the couch with a friend for several months when returning to Europe from the States, as my father was battling cancer, catching me during a period of the ground seemingly being pulled from under my feet.
And there are family friends that have awed me by broadening my limited views with fiercely inspiring stories, as my German soul-aunt, whose family was hiding Jews in their cellar during the second world war.
When the Gestapo came to search the house, they miraculously broke their patience, and got away several times by claiming that a great aunt was on in the bathroom with severe diarrhea, so they couldn’t give them access – which is where the entrance to the hiding place was.
Another friend I lived with, expanded my horizon, as she let a homeless person shower at her place once a week, while the family had refugees live in their house while the papers were stuck in the processing loop, sorting out a socially unjust situation beyond helping with the paper work.
All those stories are pointedly captured by the impactful words by Ram Dass:
“We are all just helping each other home”.
What We are Coming Home To
Ultimately, home is different for all of us. It can feel like a state of shelter, feeling seen, a state of familiarity, safety, a known place, or feeling welcome.
In our journey of self-discovery, we find that coming home to ourselves is not merely a destination, but a continuous process of alignment and growth.
And while "happily ever after" traditionally might still evoke thoughts of perfect marriages, our true happily ever after lies in the ongoing journey of self-connection, being closely linked to finding our authentic truth, as we are the ones we spend our lives with.
By nurturing our true inner connection, we not only enrich our own lives but also deepen our capacity to authentically engage with the world around us.
As we learn to be at home within ourselves, we cultivate a sense of belonging that transcends physical spaces and external circumstances.
This self-connection allows us to navigate life's challenges with greater resilience and purpose, creating our most reliable version of "happily ever after" - one that's rooted in self-connection and genuine alignment with our inner truth.
Ask yourself:
What does feeling "at home" in yourself mean to you?
When do you experience this most strongly?
In what moments do you feel most connected to your authentic self?
What situations or thoughts tend to disconnect you from your inner sense of home?
How often do you find yourself comparing your journey to others'?
What effect does this have on your self-connection?